HOW DO YOU BUILD THE MINDSET MUSCLE-RESILIENCE?

How Does One Build Resilience?

We need to build resilience from an early age as children need to be prepared for life and, as adults, we will come upon times of overwhelm, grief, sadness, or darkness.

As I reflect upon my childhood, I remember having to do so many things without the support of my parents. 

If I wanted or needed to do it, I just had to figure out a way to do it, without relying on them.

That is not to say that they were not good parents but times were different then. My parents were very hard-working migrants who came to Australia with nothing but a few precious things they could bring with them.

They came at a time when there was not the support that migrants have now so dad, who was a highly skilled waiter, making lots of money overseas, had to work as a carpenter while mum worked in a factory making televisions. 

She went for an interview with little English. while walking up and down the streets in town and just happened to talk to someone who sent her to this job.  

I remember dad saving his money to build a bungalow and my sister and I sleeping on a wooden table, for a while. 

These days, parents are constantly running their children from one activity to another, and kids get chauffeured to school, with few exceptions for those who walk or catch the bus.

 In fact, there are Walk to School programs to encourage children to walk to school.  How many people worry about rain in case they get a little bit wet?  My sister and I walked through sleet to get home and then drained our shoes as they were filled with water. LOL.

 I do realise that it is a different world today and, with distances being covered and safety issues, parents want to make sure their children get to school safely. 

The point is not really about walking in the rain or the heat- it is about persevering and pushing through things, without making excuses, giving up, and getting out of our comfort zone.

My memories of  my personal challenges:

Reflecting on my early memories of my childhood, I had a lot of fun but it was because I had things I wanted to do and, as my parents were not always available, I had to find a way to do them myself.  

   Walking to school through two suburbs in the fierce heat or the pounding rain as a young child. 

   Walking to the church by myself on Saturday morning- again through 2 suburbs-so I could get to the 7 a.m. confessional (I took religion very seriously then).

   Catching a bus in the morning to the pools in summer, making sure I had some food and drink for the day, and often having to walk an hour home in the blistering heat because the bus driver didn’t feel like making the stop! (starting from 8 years old)

    Having to do my own homework and reading activities as parents, in those days, were not expected to help and simply did not have the time. If they worked, they did not have modern conveniences, like washing machines, but battled with the wringer!

    Working in my dad’s shops at an early age, during busy periods. I had to weigh the customer's fruit and vegetables and add and give correct change, using only mental calculations. It gave me great responsibility and dad trusted me. 

 
   Preparing for exams in high school but still having to honor all other family and personal expectations(later, we brought all our family to Australia and it was expected that you visit regularly and celebrate birthdays on the day of the birthday- not leave it until the weekend. It could be stressful!

    Having a part-time job at 14, and having to walk half an hour in the dark on wintery
    Saturday mornings to catch a train to where I worked. 

         When I saw a difficult educational task that my sister was doing, I would say to myself “That’s okay- I will be older and then I will understand.”

   Being the interpreter for my parents and one of my aunties and uncles from a young age.

   Having an asthmatic baby and having sleepless nights, then going to work.

   Working full time and taking my four children to their after-school activities-sport and dancing- doing school preparation most nights after they went to bed, and then sewing their costumes until 3 a.m. before concerts, and then working again in the morning. This was an endless cycle for many years and I was so tired all the time. I ended up with chronic fatigue and left teaching for a few years, so I could spend quality time with the children. 

    Going through a divorce is a grieving process but, all of a sudden, there are many things that need to be organized and extra money to be found to live. It's overwhelming but you have to push through. 

    Most people have daily challenges and busy periods that come in waves throughout the year.

The reason I mentioned the above is that I realize that I have learned to push myself to achieve my goal. 

Sometimes I felt as if my bones were exhausted but I learned to take each day at a time.

So those experiences are very personal to me and shaped the person I am.  

It has helped me through a very challenging time when I found out what it was like to want to give up and  I experienced an extreme low, which was out of character for me.

Somehow, I got through it, even though I found it difficult, I still turned up for work and asked for help in the right channels, to build my resilience again. I refused medication to help me get through my depression and turned to my community and my work, which I enjoy. Reading about Gratitude and its power to change your mindset and allow happiness in was the real game changer for me. 

Personally, I went to a counselor but I did not find it useful. It may work for you but she was possibly in her early 20's and was of no help whatsoever. The power of gratitude worked better than a counselor in my case.

Building resilience since childhood is the factor that helped me on my journey: to keep seeking answers, and eventually that led me to appreciate the power of gratitude, as I refused medication.

 

Strategies to build resilience

WHEN FEELING OVERWHELMED- DOWNSIZE!

What has helped me during my studies and working online is to break a task into small, manageable steps and focus on only one step at a time. 

This also helps you to prioritize what needs to be done, and in what order.

So it actually clarifies the task mentally for you, which in turn makes you understand what you are doing and gives you momentum.

MAINTAIN AND MAKE NEW CONNECTIONS WITH LIKE-MINDED, SUPPORTIVE COMMUNITIES

I read that the saddest thing in life is to feel that no one cares about you and not be able to share meaningful experiences with those who have the same values.

 A handful of caring people who listen to you can be the difference between a person giving up or deciding to push through a very difficult time.

These are the people you let into what is happening in your life. They teach you the difference between positive support and negative judgment. 

It can be surprising where that support comes from! 

REMEMBER THAT REALITY IS REALLY SOMEONE’S PERCEPTION OF A SITUATION.

You can choose your reactions to any situation and, if you stay connected to your meaningful communities, you will find that different people have different reactions to the same situations.

When I was concerned about a family member's perceptions and behaviour, I visited a trusted doctor to discuss what I was seeing and hearing.

It was valuable as he verified what I had been thinking: that the person had an undiagnosed social disorder. 

Then, you need to be proactive and protect yourself as sometimes you can trust family values and compassion but not everyone thinks like you do. 

Don't disregard your gut feeling and professional advice! 


Remove yourself from situations where one can manipulate situations and bring you down. 

Look for ways to change negative situations into positive situations. 

The challenges in front of us can teach us to improve ourselves if we choose to learn from the experience.

On a personal note, my life changed drastically a couple of years ago, when the workplace I had spent my life working at, got rid of all senior personnel who were well respected in their profession.

They had a need to cut costs because of a variety of bad financial decisions they had made throughout the years as they had not made necessary changes earlier. 

They were then forced into making financial decisions that hurt a lot of loyal, highly experienced staff.

It was a blow but it taught me so much.

 I do not think I would have learned how to build websites, learn internet marketing, blog and make friends from all over the world, and make a successful re-entry into mainstream teaching if the changes to my career had not happened. 

And my teaching career has flourished!

COPING WITH STRESS

I have worked in the Autism area for many years and we had to actively teach our students strategies for emotional control so they could cope better with their world, which could often be distressing or confronting for them. 

 Under the guidance of the Occupational Therapists, each student had a calming strategy suited to their level of functioning.

Lack of emotional control affects our body’s functioning in a negative way, as well as impacting those around us. 

Yoga can help us to focus on our breathing and take the focus of whatever is upsetting us. 

The focus on our breathing will control those hormones that build up with anxiety and damage our bodies.

  A simple technique with the children I taught, was to breathe in and then out to the count of five. 

I taught the Zones of Regulation to all the children in Grade 4 (targeting an autistic, ADHD, trauma background student) and they loved it. 

We also taught them to recognize their symptoms so they could use the technique independently, such as an awareness of their heart racing, flushed face, etc. 

Hopefully, they will be well prepared for their adult years. It gave them strategies to use when they identified the need for it and we had very positive feedback from the parents.

This is a simplistic account of the more in-depth strategy we employed with children. 

For adults, if you don’t do Yoga, you can do a breathing exercise by choosing a number e.g. 3, then breathe in to the count of 3 seconds, then out for the same time and repeat for 3 minutes. 

You can increase the number you wish to count to. 

This is a method also taught to those in dangerous situations eg. those soldiers who go on dangerous missions and combat, such as the Navy SEALS, so don't dismiss its effectiveness. 

You may be interested in this post What are the symptoms of unwellness, especially the Self-Care section.  

VISUALISATION STRATEGIES

When I was involved in Party Plan, as a part-time income, we were taught to put pictures on our fridge of goals we wanted to attain. 

Most people would put up pictures of holidays, cars, houses, and other items they wished to buy. So the focus was always monetary-based.

However, I use this strategy now and I use it in two ways.

 Firstly, I imagine what success looks like to me and, secondly, I think about the consequences of failure. 

Both these imaginings keep me on track with my goals. 

I may feel dispirited on a particular day but I never give up as I have a great imagination and just could not bear the consequences of failure!

Through webinars, I learned to have a long-term goal and use this as a starting point.

 For example, if you have a financial goal for the year, you then use the first strategy mentioned above to break it down into smaller, achievable steps. 

You break that yearly goal down to a monthly and weekly goal and, from there, you can work out how many customers and sales you need to attain your yearly goal.

You can apply the visualization strategies to other areas of your life e.g. to keep you on track with your studies, a blog, or a program to become a successful sports player. 

  It is also important to use this strategy of visualization often – so daydream often!!!!

DEVELOP GRACIOUSNESS BY SHOWING GRATITUDE.

There has been a great emphasis on showing gratitude on Social Media this past year. 

Lots of great posts are appearing that talk about being grateful for things, such as being alive, having a roof over your head, someone who cares for you, daily food, etc. 

 My post  Does gratitude contribute to wellness? goes more into depth on this topic.

Sometimes, it is hard to be positive when you have had something happen during your day that upsets you. 

It can override all the positive things that may have happened throughout your day as it has an intensity to it that overrides all else.  

To develop a more positive mindset and feel better, it helps to get into the habit of reflecting upon your day and thinking of at least 3 things that made you feel better. 

It can be as simple as someone sharing a joke with you, or a stranger smiling and saying ‘hello’. 

 Some people are advocating the use of a Gratitude Journal to get into the habit of thinking about the positive things that happened each day, rather than focusing on one negative thing and letting the bad reflections build up during the week. 

It helps develop a positive mindset, which is critical for a happier life and the attainment of your goals.  

You can check out the Gratitude Bundle resources here.

If  you want to test your resilience, take this quiz

I  hope you found this post helpful. Subscribe to my blog below and get notifications as to new posts. 

What are the Symptoms of Unwellness? Part 2

Symptoms Of Unwellness

A general feeling of “unwellness” can mean many different things and can manifest in various ways.

It is important first of all, to identify exactly what it is you are feeling when you experience “unwellness.”

We touched on symptoms of unwellness and some basic ways to increase your overall wellness in   Does Your Lifestyle Support Your Wellness?

What are your specific symptoms? 

They can vary widely and from person to person: everybody is different. 

Do you feel tired or lethargic all the time?

Do you suffer from aches and pains? Are they in the joints or the muscles?

Do you find that your performance in daily tasks is suffering?

Are irritated, stressed out, and annoyed much of the time?

Are you overweight?

Do you sleep well or do you find that even though you seem to sleep all night, you wake up feeling as if you've been pulled through a hedge backwards? 

Is your sleep light and fitful, where you are woken up by the slightest noise? Do you find yourself waking up every night at the same time, say 3am, and then finding you cannot get back to sleep again until the wee hours?

Are you taking medications? 

Have you checked the possible side effects?

 Could these be contributing to your feelings of unwellness?

Possible Medical Causes

These are dependent on many factors and it is very difficult to pin down exactly what might be causing your malaise. 

This section states the obvious but it is included as a vital part of looking after yourself holistically ie. the whole person.

Some common conditions that cause a feeling of general malaise include chronic fatigue, depression, fibromyalgia; you could have anemia or low blood pressure, or, you might have a urinary tract infection. 

Problems that are more serious can include HIV and AIDS, cancer, diabetes, and adrenal gland dysfunction. 

If your feelings of malaise go on for more than seven days, it is wise to see a medical practitioner.

The most obvious step is to discuss your symptoms with your doctor who is going to give you a thorough check-up and an educated diagnosis.

 It is important to get your health checked out to rule out the possibility of anything serious, or, if it is something serious, to catch it early and hopefully treat it successfully and prevent major problems from developing further down the line.

Your doctor will give you a physical examination and probably want you to get some blood tests or x-rays done to rule out certain problems such as thyroid disease or cardiovascular problems.

Identifying Your Needs and Deficits

Optimal wellness begins when we address the whole person, also known as Holistic Wellness. 

This means that we need to take care of your physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual wellbeing, along with considering our financial (the main cause of stress for many people) and occupational wellness. 

In order to assess your own wellness, it’s important to take an honest and comprehensive inventory of your life and self to identify problem areas in order to begin the journey to reach an optimal level of wellbeing.

Basic Ways You Can Improve Your Overall Wellness

Manage your sleep: 

There are a number of ways to help your sleep: for instance, don't eat after 6pm. 

Try to turn off your computer at least one hour before you go to sleep. 

Reading is a good way to make yourself drowsy last thing at night. 

Meditation or listening to a relaxation recording can be helpful. 

Drinking a cup of warm milk before bedtime is soothing and helps you to settle down.

Eat well:

A sensible diet with plenty of leafy greens and fresh fruits and vegetables is key to feeling well. 

Try to avoid too many carbohydrates as these can make you feel sleepy and light-headed.

Exercise:

Exercise in moderation is beneficial to your overall sense of well-being. 

Walking for half an hour daily can help you feel better. 

Start with a minimum of 3 times per week, if it is new to you.

The benefit of walking is that you get the benefit of fresh air and sunshine, which is necessary for your body's healthy functioning and feeling better.

We have a walking machine but I lack the motivation as I would rather go outside! My partner loves it so do what works for you.

When I wasn't working, I used to walk twice a day, for about 30 to 45 minutes each time. 

It was easy for me as the area we lived in was beautiful, with lovely gardens that were very fragrant. That was very motivating for me.

The extra bonus was that I lost 3 kilos in two weeks, without changing my diet!

Rest and relaxation

 Getting enough of both of these will ensure you feel and perform your best.

 Make sure you have enough rest at night and break your workday into work and rest cycles. This ensures optimum efficiency.

I advocate the use of the Pomodor method for integrating rest periods into your workday. 

It is when you break your work into cycles of 25 minutes work, followed by a short break of 5 minutes or whatever is needed to recharge your batteries. 

After four of these cycles, you take a longer break e.g. half an hour. 

 At the end of each cycle, put a check on a sheet. 

This will ultimately be your feedback as to your efficient working hours throughout the day.

This method keeps you consistently productive and the regular breaks support your motivation and creativity.

By having regular breaks and staying on tasks in work cycles, you will have improved attention span and concentration.

You need to set your alarm to notify you of the cycle's beginning and end.

Drink plenty of water and avoid alcohol, sugary drinks, and caffeine

 Water can help flush your body of toxins and avoiding stimulants like sugar and caffeine can help calm the nervous system.

Sometimes, our body can't tell the difference between hunger and thirst so before you reach for a snack, drink some water first.

On a more personal note, I notice that my skin looks much healthier and has a healthy glow compared to when I drink coffee. 

That's when my skin is duller and my eyes look more sunken in!

Reduce Stress

 

Whenever possible try to eliminate stress from your life. Create a calm and welcoming home environment. 

Avoid people who are negative and complaining. 

Keep up away from toxic people who are drama queens.

This may be difficult if it is family but you may have to re-evaluate how much stress you can take and put some distance there for your own mental health.

Find time to have fun.

 Connect with others and grow your social network. Laughter alleviates stress.

Take a stock of what interests you and pursue it actively.

Self-care 

At the core of all successful wellness attempts is self-care. 

This means making yourself and your wellbeing a priority, it is truly the foundation of your wellness.

My personal experience with self-care, or lack of it, when I was trying to do it all for others led me to a path of absolute exhaustion and depression. 

I did not know how to ask for help or let others know how run down and terrible I felt.

 I should have asked for help as you cannot gain their understanding unless others know what is going on. I

 hated being a complainer and being disloyal to others and it impacted me, both physically and mentally.

Improve your Overall Wellness- Keeping It Simple

Have you done the Health and Wellness Quiz? Reflect on the different areas of wellness and start new habits.

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Wellness: Self Doubt and Insecurities

How to master self-doubt and insecurities and become the best you can possibly be. 

It is important to master self-doubt and insecurities in order to be the best you can possibly be. One of the most limiting things a person can experience in this life is self-doubt.

 It has the ability to keep you feeling locked away in a prison of your own insecurities.

 It will suffocate your ability to explore and be free to engage with opportunities and adventures and it will hold you back from ever achieving the things that you really want. 

It will limit your relationships with others and can destroy your most important relationships.

I have personally met people who even gave up on wanting anything at all due to having such a high level of self-doubt. 

Their insecurities had escalated to such a point over the course of their life that they eventually gave up on even considering that they had any level of freedom at all regarding their own choices.

These are the people you have met in life's course who always complain about something but will find a reason not to look at solutions. 

When friends offer a solution, their first reaction is to find a reason not to try it. They are paralyzed and can't move out of their unhappy comfort zone. 

This is a terrible place to find ourselves in and it causes a person to live a life that has been massively limited by the illusory constructs that have formed in their mind. 

Fortunately, though, with a little work and the right amount of determination, there is something that we can do to conquer this.

Dominating Doubt

Doubt itself, by its very nature, is negative. 

It is something that denounces and turns down any thoughts of positive or action-inspiring suggestion. 

If left unchecked, doubt becomes a mindset that keeps a person completely closed off from the world of positive inspiration and it keeps a person confined to a self-centered and destructive ego.

In order to dominate doubt, we must first desire to do so.

 If we do not have the desire to at least investigate the ability to overcome doubt, then there is truly no hope for us.

 Reactions also become bad habits. I know people that will contradict anything that is offered, without giving a suggestion its due diligence. 

They may want others to think that they have already thought of that action and dismissed it. This type of behaviour also may alienate friends who feel they are not worthy to be listened to.

A person who is happy to live in a world of doubt is like cancer that will infect and overcome anyone who has even a shred of positivity to express, like a black hole, they consume all light, and there is no hope of it ever being reproduced in return.

Someone who has decided to overcome doubt though is like a black hole that has decided to try to stop sucking in everything and instead has chosen to learn how to produce and create a little light. 

Without having made the choice to do this, without having personally decided that they want to become more positive, more inspiring, and more encouraging, a person has no hope of ever conquering their own self-doubt.

If a parent, a person like this will also frustrate their children, at the very least, or not raise healthy adults with problem-solving skills.

The Argument Of Doubt

The main argument that people offer to encourage their own self-doubt is that they have either not been able to, or never witnessed something positive happen.  

For example, if you try to encourage a person to become a confident public speaker and they harbor massive amounts of internal self-doubt, they will argue that they have never been able to speak confidently in public before and so they just think that from their own point of view, it cannot be done.

I can give you a personal recount of someone I knew who sent her resume to a prospective employer and most of the page listed, in point form, the things she would not do, or be trained in. 

I was shocked but her argument was that she knew she would never be able to do those jobs so she was just being honest.


This same person complained about being lonely constantly so I tried various tactics to help her.

The last tactic I tried was that I went to the council offices to get a handbook of community activities and short courses. 

It was a comprehensive book, filled with interesting activities, courses, and hobbies. Some were free and some cost coffee change money.

Needless to say, nothing was acted on and I realised that no matter how I tried to help, she would always come back with an excuse why she can't do something.

Personally, the thought of public speaking terrified me. Even speaking up at staff meetings was a painful experience when I was younger.

At one of the schools where I taught, I was asked to talk to the staff about writing conferences and how I organised my week in the class, and how I incorporated all aspects of literacy. I needed my arm to be twisted somewhat!

I was so nervous but I practised in front of the mirror and made sure everything I needed to talk about and have on display was organised, and it went well.

Years later, I did a Graduate Diploma course and the final task was to give a talk on our chosen field of interest and results in implementing new strategies in our workplace, in front of all my colleagues and lecturers. I was physically ill in the morning as my anxiety level was so high. 

I had discussed my anxiety level with my principal earlier and her advice was just to do it as once you've done it, you will never be as anxious again. 

She was right! Although I wouldn't relish the thought of public speaking, I realised that I have a lot to offer in my chosen field and it's all about taking the challenge and organising what you know and sharing that knowledge. 

So take the challenge and grow.

Another person who doubts the ability of someone to come up with some kind of new and enlightening invention doubts it because he has never seen it done before and therefore thinks it simply cannot be done.

 In all cases of self-doubt, a person is living with a mindset that has experienced great limitations somewhere in the past.

Therefore, when we know this, we can implement strategies to conquer and eventually destroy these specific doubts. How do we do this?

Creationism

What I am talking about is a form of creationism that is completely and intimately personal, not the biblical sense. 

It is inspirational, encouraging, motivating, it is creating and producing, and freeing. It is everything that self-doubt is not.

This works for all kinds of self-doubt and insecurity because it has the effect of contradicting and opposing every form that self-doubt or insecurity takes.

We have to train our minds that self-doubting limitations are wrong. 

 Eventually, the mind learns a newer and more positive way of thinking about things, because it has witnessed firsthand the undoing of every single one of its limiting, doubting thoughts.

How do we retrain our minds?

Take challenges.

In order to do this, we must either show or create a case for the opposite. 

We need proof. Show yourself the opposite of your own self-doubt. 

Investigate and encourage yourself to try your very best to achieve or to witness or experience the very thing that your mind doubts.

Commit yourself to the challenge of proving every single one of your doubts wrong, and if you can do this, you will slowly re-program your mind to be able to achieve anything that you could possibly want to achieve.

Use Lists

Lists have always helped me overcome my fears of failing. 

For example, making a list of solutions. Prioritize this list into the most and least objectionable or 'do-able' for you. 

So now you have a list of possible actions that sit in the priority order of what you will most likely be able to do. 

Now, what I would then do would make a positive and negative list under some of the actions you are more likely to take.

Under negatives, I would list what I am afraid of and what could possibly happen if I take that course of action. 

Under positives, I would list the good points that may happen if I take that course of action.

 I call this my balance sheet of life and have used it for things I found challenging. 

So it's similar to  'What's the worst that can happen?' and 'What's the best that can happen?'

Is there really something I need to fear?

Input from friends

I would also ask for input from friends or life partner as they can be a great support and see things from a different perspective.

You may also need to find out how others see you as you may not be aware that others deal with your self-image, as well.

Once again, on a more personal level, I did not have great self-awareness when younger.

Through my work with children, I realised, as I grew older and more experienced, how respected I was by the wonderful feedback I received from principals, vice-principals, and parents.

As a teacher, I worked in an environment where we had cyclical reviews. These were enormously beneficial in highlighting your strengths and people's perspective of you.

You could ask for a review, even if your job does not have that format in place. 

If your insecurities impact on your relationship with your partner, your list is a great starting point to discussing issues as your partner may need to understand and encourage your actions.

There are also lots of information on youtube on creating a positive mindset and mindfulness for you to watch and listen to, on a regular basis.

 I find the positive memes on Facebook and Twitter are also inspiring -a simple thing but effective! You can't get rid of a negative mindset without creating a new habit.

Follow those people who inspire you.

So daily short commitments to new thoughts are important.

Conquer the limitations of your doubts and you become a purely positive, inspirational, creative force of life on this planet earth.

Sit with your doubting mind and you will begin to fester in a world of negativity, opposition, and argument for all things limiting. 

I know which path I would rather choose.

Now the choice is up to you.

Habits of Mind- Guides you can use to become a more positive, happier, confident person. 

1. If you want to overcome your self-doubts, I have written a guide to help you. It has a set of worksheets. with explanations on how to use them. They have been compiled by me and have been based on strategies I used to overcome my shyness and self-doubt in my earlier years. 

You can access this guide at Mastering Self-Doubt and Insecurities

If you would like more reading on how to change your negative habits and become more successful in life, then you may enjoy this article on Gratitude-How can I change my mind and become more thankful 

It has helped me personally to open doors and become more successful.

In this post on Confidence, you can read 12 ways to boost your self-confidence.

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