How Does One Build Resilience?
We need to build resilience from an early age as children need to be prepared for life and, as adults, we will come upon times of overwhelm, grief, sadness, or darkness.
As I reflect upon my childhood, I remember having to do so many things without the support of my parents.
If I wanted or needed to do it, I just had to figure out a way to do it, without relying on them.
That is not to say that they were not good parents but times were different then. My parents were very hard-working migrants who came to Australia with nothing but a few precious things they could bring with them.
They came at a time when there was not the support that migrants have now so dad, who was a highly skilled waiter, making lots of money overseas, had to work as a carpenter while mum worked in a factory making televisions.
She went for an interview with little English. while walking up and down the streets in town and just happened to talk to someone who sent her to this job.
I remember dad saving his money to build a bungalow and my sister and I sleeping on a wooden table, for a while.
These days, parents are constantly running their children from one activity to another, and kids get chauffeured to school, with few exceptions for those who walk or catch the bus.
In fact, there are Walk to School programs to encourage children to walk to school. How many people worry about rain in case they get a little bit wet? My sister and I walked through sleet to get home and then drained our shoes as they were filled with water. LOL.
I do realise that it is a different world today and, with distances being covered and safety issues, parents want to make sure their children get to school safely.
The point is not really about walking in the rain or the heat- it is about persevering and pushing through things, without making excuses, giving up, and getting out of our comfort zone.
My memories of my personal challenges:
Reflecting on my early memories of my childhood, I had a lot of fun but it was because I had things I wanted to do and, as my parents were not always available, I had to find a way to do them myself.
Walking to school through two suburbs in the fierce heat or the pounding rain as a young child.
Walking to the church by myself on Saturday morning- again through 2 suburbs-so I could get to the 7 a.m. confessional (I took religion very seriously then).
Catching a bus in the morning to the pools in summer, making sure I had some food and drink for the day, and often having to walk an hour home in the blistering heat because the bus driver didn’t feel like making the stop! (starting from 8 years old)
Having to do my own homework and reading activities as parents, in those days, were not expected to help and simply did not have the time. If they worked, they did not have modern conveniences, like washing machines, but battled with the wringer!
Working in my dad’s shops at an early age, during busy periods. I had to weigh the customer's fruit and vegetables and add and give correct change, using only mental calculations. It gave me great responsibility and dad trusted me.
Preparing for exams in high school but still having to honor all other family and personal expectations(later, we brought all our family to Australia and it was expected that you visit regularly and celebrate birthdays on the day of the birthday- not leave it until the weekend. It could be stressful!
Having a part-time job at 14, and having to walk half an hour in the dark on wintery
Saturday mornings to catch a train to where I worked.
When I saw a difficult educational task that my sister was doing, I would say to myself “That’s okay- I will be older and then I will understand.”
Being the interpreter for my parents and one of my aunties and uncles from a young age.
Having an asthmatic baby and having sleepless nights, then going to work.
Working full time and taking my four children to their after-school activities-sport and dancing- doing school preparation most nights after they went to bed, and then sewing their costumes until 3 a.m. before concerts, and then working again in the morning. This was an endless cycle for many years and I was so tired all the time. I ended up with chronic fatigue and left teaching for a few years, so I could spend quality time with the children.
Going through a divorce is a grieving process but, all of a sudden, there are many things that need to be organized and extra money to be found to live. It's overwhelming but you have to push through.
Most people have daily challenges and busy periods that come in waves throughout the year.
The reason I mentioned the above is that I realize that I have learned to push myself to achieve my goal.
Sometimes I felt as if my bones were exhausted but I learned to take each day at a time.
So those experiences are very personal to me and shaped the person I am.
It has helped me through a very challenging time when I found out what it was like to want to give up and I experienced an extreme low, which was out of character for me.
Somehow, I got through it, even though I found it difficult, I still turned up for work and asked for help in the right channels, to build my resilience again. I refused medication to help me get through my depression and turned to my community and my work, which I enjoy. Reading about Gratitude and its power to change your mindset and allow happiness in was the real game changer for me.
Personally, I went to a counselor but I did not find it useful. It may work for you but she was possibly in her early 20's and was of no help whatsoever. The power of gratitude worked better than a counselor in my case.
Building resilience since childhood is the factor that helped me on my journey: to keep seeking answers, and eventually that led me to appreciate the power of gratitude, as I refused medication.
Strategies to build resilience
WHEN FEELING OVERWHELMED- DOWNSIZE!
What has helped me during my studies and working online is to break a task into small, manageable steps and focus on only one step at a time.
This also helps you to prioritize what needs to be done, and in what order.
So it actually clarifies the task mentally for you, which in turn makes you understand what you are doing and gives you momentum.
MAINTAIN AND MAKE NEW CONNECTIONS WITH LIKE-MINDED, SUPPORTIVE COMMUNITIES
I read that the saddest thing in life is to feel that no one cares about you and not be able to share meaningful experiences with those who have the same values.
A handful of caring people who listen to you can be the difference between a person giving up or deciding to push through a very difficult time.
These are the people you let into what is happening in your life. They teach you the difference between positive support and negative judgment.
It can be surprising where that support comes from!
REMEMBER THAT REALITY IS REALLY SOMEONE’S PERCEPTION OF A SITUATION.
You can choose your reactions to any situation and, if you stay connected to your meaningful communities, you will find that different people have different reactions to the same situations.
When I was concerned about a family member's perceptions and behaviour, I visited a trusted doctor to discuss what I was seeing and hearing.
It was valuable as he verified what I had been thinking: that the person had an undiagnosed social disorder.
Then, you need to be proactive and protect yourself as sometimes you can trust family values and compassion but not everyone thinks like you do.
Don't disregard your gut feeling and professional advice!
Remove yourself from situations where one can manipulate situations and bring you down.
Look for ways to change negative situations into positive situations.
The challenges in front of us can teach us to improve ourselves if we choose to learn from the experience.
On a personal note, my life changed drastically a couple of years ago, when the workplace I had spent my life working at, got rid of all senior personnel who were well respected in their profession.
They had a need to cut costs because of a variety of bad financial decisions they had made throughout the years as they had not made necessary changes earlier.
They were then forced into making financial decisions that hurt a lot of loyal, highly experienced staff.
It was a blow but it taught me so much.
I do not think I would have learned how to build websites, learn internet marketing, blog and make friends from all over the world, and make a successful re-entry into mainstream teaching if the changes to my career had not happened.
And my teaching career has flourished!
COPING WITH STRESS
I have worked in the Autism area for many years and we had to actively teach our students strategies for emotional control so they could cope better with their world, which could often be distressing or confronting for them.
Under the guidance of the Occupational Therapists, each student had a calming strategy suited to their level of functioning.
Lack of emotional control affects our body’s functioning in a negative way, as well as impacting those around us.
Yoga can help us to focus on our breathing and take the focus of whatever is upsetting us.
The focus on our breathing will control those hormones that build up with anxiety and damage our bodies.
A simple technique with the children I taught, was to breathe in and then out to the count of five.
I taught the Zones of Regulation to all the children in Grade 4 (targeting an autistic, ADHD, trauma background student) and they loved it.
We also taught them to recognize their symptoms so they could use the technique independently, such as an awareness of their heart racing, flushed face, etc.
Hopefully, they will be well prepared for their adult years. It gave them strategies to use when they identified the need for it and we had very positive feedback from the parents.
This is a simplistic account of the more in-depth strategy we employed with children.
For adults, if you don’t do Yoga, you can do a breathing exercise by choosing a number e.g. 3, then breathe in to the count of 3 seconds, then out for the same time and repeat for 3 minutes.
You can increase the number you wish to count to.
This is a method also taught to those in dangerous situations eg. those soldiers who go on dangerous missions and combat, such as the Navy SEALS, so don't dismiss its effectiveness.
You may be interested in this post What are the symptoms of unwellness, especially the Self-Care section.
VISUALISATION STRATEGIES
When I was involved in Party Plan, as a part-time income, we were taught to put pictures on our fridge of goals we wanted to attain.
Most people would put up pictures of holidays, cars, houses, and other items they wished to buy. So the focus was always monetary-based.
However, I use this strategy now and I use it in two ways.
Firstly, I imagine what success looks like to me and, secondly, I think about the consequences of failure.
Both these imaginings keep me on track with my goals.
I may feel dispirited on a particular day but I never give up as I have a great imagination and just could not bear the consequences of failure!
Through webinars, I learned to have a long-term goal and use this as a starting point.
For example, if you have a financial goal for the year, you then use the first strategy mentioned above to break it down into smaller, achievable steps.
You break that yearly goal down to a monthly and weekly goal and, from there, you can work out how many customers and sales you need to attain your yearly goal.
You can apply the visualization strategies to other areas of your life e.g. to keep you on track with your studies, a blog, or a program to become a successful sports player.
It is also important to use this strategy of visualization often – so daydream often!!!!
DEVELOP GRACIOUSNESS BY SHOWING GRATITUDE.
There has been a great emphasis on showing gratitude on Social Media this past year.
Lots of great posts are appearing that talk about being grateful for things, such as being alive, having a roof over your head, someone who cares for you, daily food, etc.
My post Does gratitude contribute to wellness? goes more into depth on this topic.
Sometimes, it is hard to be positive when you have had something happen during your day that upsets you.
It can override all the positive things that may have happened throughout your day as it has an intensity to it that overrides all else.
To develop a more positive mindset and feel better, it helps to get into the habit of reflecting upon your day and thinking of at least 3 things that made you feel better.
It can be as simple as someone sharing a joke with you, or a stranger smiling and saying ‘hello’.
Some people are advocating the use of a Gratitude Journal to get into the habit of thinking about the positive things that happened each day, rather than focusing on one negative thing and letting the bad reflections build up during the week.
It helps develop a positive mindset, which is critical for a happier life and the attainment of your goals.
If you want to test your resilience, take this quiz
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